1 00:00:04,874 --> 00:00:06,702 - Europe was incredible, 2 00:00:06,745 --> 00:00:08,486 especially Italy. 3 00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:13,361 Oh, it was so fun to immerse yourself in another culture. 4 00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:18,061 [Italian accent] Pinocchio, spaghetti, 5 00:00:18,105 --> 00:00:21,586 Ariana Grande. 6 00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:24,067 - So what happened with, uh, Marcus? 7 00:00:24,111 --> 00:00:28,071 - Marcus was good, dirty fun, 8 00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:29,725 and then we went our separate ways. 9 00:00:29,768 --> 00:00:32,162 - Hit it and quit it, I'm proud of you. 10 00:00:32,206 --> 00:00:34,164 - Oh, gosh, it was so freeing, Will. 11 00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:37,820 For the first time in my life, I did what I wanted, 12 00:00:37,863 --> 00:00:41,606 when I wanted, and who I wanted. 13 00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:44,783 - You naughty, naughty, I need specifics. 14 00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:46,307 And please convert from metric. 15 00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,569 Centimeters aren't sexy. 16 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,790 - In Greece, I fooled around with a construction worker 17 00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:54,097 in the scoop of a bulldozer. 18 00:00:54,141 --> 00:00:57,535 - Ooh, in my mind, I'm putting a clean blanket underneath you. 19 00:00:57,579 --> 00:00:59,537 - You know what this trip gave me, Will? 20 00:00:59,581 --> 00:01:01,757 - Gonorrhea? 21 00:01:03,411 --> 00:01:05,108 And whatever that is on your ankle? 22 00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:06,631 - It's just a bug bite. - Is it? 23 00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:09,852 'Cause it looks like what you Italians call pepperoni. 24 00:01:09,895 --> 00:01:11,419 - I will get it checked. 25 00:01:11,462 --> 00:01:15,553 Anyway, it gave me a new perspective. 26 00:01:15,597 --> 00:01:17,425 For the first time in my life, 27 00:01:17,468 --> 00:01:20,645 I am not worrying about someone else's needs. 28 00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,518 It's--it's all about me. 29 00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,736 - I'm so happy for you. 30 00:01:24,780 --> 00:01:26,129 Can we talk about me for one second? 31 00:01:26,173 --> 00:01:28,131 I'm worried about me and McCoy. 32 00:01:28,175 --> 00:01:29,437 - Oh, honey, I know, he's gorgeous, 33 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,657 but time'll even it out. 34 00:01:32,701 --> 00:01:34,703 - It--it feels like we're on hold. 35 00:01:34,746 --> 00:01:35,878 - You just got engaged. 36 00:01:35,921 --> 00:01:37,749 - I know, but there's no intimacy. 37 00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,273 I mean, I'm here. He's in London. 38 00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:41,275 His penis is always five hours ahead. 39 00:01:42,450 --> 00:01:43,799 He wants to have phone sex. 40 00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:45,148 - You should ask Karen for help. 41 00:01:45,192 --> 00:01:47,237 She's really good at phone sex. 42 00:01:47,281 --> 00:01:48,934 - You know the government's listening in. 43 00:01:48,978 --> 00:01:50,327 I mean, the last thing I wanna do 44 00:01:50,371 --> 00:01:52,895 is make another donation to Mike Pence's spank bank. 45 00:01:52,938 --> 00:01:55,898 [upbeat trumpet and piano music] 46 00:01:55,941 --> 00:02:03,123 ♪ 47 00:02:06,474 --> 00:02:07,475 - Morning. 48 00:02:10,304 --> 00:02:11,305 - Morning. 49 00:02:17,485 --> 00:02:18,834 - I'm having a yard sale. 50 00:02:21,010 --> 00:02:22,446 See anything you like? 51 00:02:22,490 --> 00:02:23,621 - I like this shirt. 52 00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:25,884 That's why I bought it for myself. 53 00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,193 You're raising money for your transition 54 00:02:30,237 --> 00:02:32,543 from ferret to human? 55 00:02:32,587 --> 00:02:33,892 - I'm having a yard sale 56 00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,807 to get rid of this hateful cuckoo clock 57 00:02:35,851 --> 00:02:38,201 that Estefan bought us on our honeymoon. 58 00:02:38,245 --> 00:02:39,898 That way when he sees it's missing, 59 00:02:39,942 --> 00:02:43,554 I can say, "Oh, no, I must have sold it by mistake." 60 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:47,602 Also, I love being this guy. 61 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,821 [changemaker clicking] 62 00:02:49,865 --> 00:02:51,432 He makes change. 63 00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,825 He lives his life. 64 00:02:53,869 --> 00:02:55,218 - If you don't like the clock, 65 00:02:55,262 --> 00:02:56,480 why don't you just tell your husband? 66 00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,265 - That may work for you 67 00:02:58,308 --> 00:03:01,442 and the redhead you're married to, 68 00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,357 but homo don't play that. 69 00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,969 If I tell Estefan how I feel, 70 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:09,624 I risk hurting his feelings and getting into a fight. 71 00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,887 - It's just a clock. - Is it? 72 00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:13,845 - ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪ 73 00:03:13,889 --> 00:03:15,847 ♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ 74 00:03:15,891 --> 00:03:18,676 [upbeat Latin musical flourish] 75 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,939 - Can you imagine a little gay fool 76 00:03:20,983 --> 00:03:24,595 bursting through the door every hour on the hour? 77 00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,346 - No. 78 00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,915 - What's all this racket, Jack? 79 00:03:39,958 --> 00:03:41,438 - Hi, Mrs. Timmer. 80 00:03:41,482 --> 00:03:42,483 I was just having a little yard sale. 81 00:03:42,526 --> 00:03:43,745 See anything you like? 82 00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,007 - You know I'm on the board. 83 00:03:45,050 --> 00:03:46,008 I can't allow you to-- 84 00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:48,228 oh, I like this clock. 85 00:03:49,403 --> 00:03:50,926 Does it do anything? 86 00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:53,624 - ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪ 87 00:03:53,668 --> 00:03:55,887 ♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ 88 00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:58,499 [upbeat Latin musical flourish] 89 00:03:58,542 --> 00:03:59,630 [flatly] That's the funniest thing 90 00:03:59,674 --> 00:04:01,719 I've ever seen. 91 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:03,895 - Great, take it! It's free! 92 00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,723 Live it! Love it! Yeah! 93 00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,421 Go! All sales are final. 94 00:04:07,464 --> 00:04:09,771 Here, have a phone book from 1994. 95 00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,600 [elevator dings] 96 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,428 - Oh! La. 97 00:04:16,430 --> 00:04:18,388 - Hola! 98 00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:21,391 - Oh, my God, Estefan, you're home early. 99 00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:23,611 - Captain Montague had to turn the plane around 100 00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:28,659 because some queen threw a ginger ale on Ann Coulter 101 00:04:28,703 --> 00:04:30,008 and she melted. 102 00:04:31,967 --> 00:04:35,362 I didn't know you were having a yard sale. 103 00:04:35,405 --> 00:04:37,451 Have you sold anything yet? 104 00:04:37,494 --> 00:04:38,452 - Absolutely nothing. 105 00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,018 It's been so slow. 106 00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,629 - ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪ 107 00:04:41,672 --> 00:04:43,587 ♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ 108 00:04:43,631 --> 00:04:44,936 [upbeat Latin musical flourish] 109 00:04:44,980 --> 00:04:48,375 - Jack, if you have sold nothing at this yard sale, 110 00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:53,118 then why do I hear the sound of my beloved "kah-koo" clock 111 00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,947 coming from inside of apartment 9B? 112 00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:59,560 [upbeat piano music] 113 00:04:59,603 --> 00:05:02,606 - [sobbing] 114 00:05:05,435 --> 00:05:08,438 [indistinct announcement over PA] 115 00:05:11,485 --> 00:05:14,488 [sobbing continues] 116 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:19,362 - [sighs] I know I'm gonna regret this. 117 00:05:19,406 --> 00:05:20,450 You okay? 118 00:05:20,494 --> 00:05:22,800 - You see this bug bite? 119 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,585 - Yeah. 120 00:05:24,628 --> 00:05:26,456 - I got it in Europe. 121 00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:27,457 It's just a bug bite. 122 00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:28,545 I mean, it's bad. 123 00:05:28,589 --> 00:05:29,764 It needs cream, 124 00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:32,332 cremain Italian. 125 00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:35,639 But the doctor said something to me 126 00:05:35,683 --> 00:05:37,685 that you should never tell a woman 127 00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:40,165 who is finally making her life about herself: 128 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:42,820 I'm pregnant! 129 00:05:42,864 --> 00:05:45,867 [sobbing] 130 00:05:46,694 --> 00:05:49,174 - Aren't you a little-- - Old? 131 00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:51,655 Yes! 132 00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,832 The doctor said it was a freakin' miracle! 133 00:05:58,183 --> 00:05:58,358 . 134 00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,447 [whimsical piano music] 135 00:06:00,490 --> 00:06:02,492 - ♪ Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga ♪ 136 00:06:02,536 --> 00:06:04,929 ♪ I know you can't control yourself any longer ♪ 137 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:07,497 [humming] 138 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,325 Boom! 139 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:15,287 [phone rings] 140 00:06:15,331 --> 00:06:17,289 Grace Something Designs, Adderall speaking. 141 00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:18,813 How can I help you? 142 00:06:21,250 --> 00:06:22,294 Will? 143 00:06:22,338 --> 00:06:23,470 - Oh, Karen, hi. 144 00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,907 Sorry, I--I--I must have butt-dialed you. 145 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:30,172 - Is there anything your people's butts can't do? 146 00:06:30,215 --> 00:06:33,480 - So far, I've yet to be disappointed. 147 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,046 But--but--but, really, I-- 148 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,613 - Oh, Wilma, stop it. 149 00:06:36,657 --> 00:06:38,354 You need my help with phone sex. 150 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,355 Come on. 151 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:40,617 I'm a pansexual superstar. 152 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:43,185 It's on my business card. 153 00:06:43,228 --> 00:06:44,534 Let's get to work. 154 00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,580 - Okay, look, I'm supposed to FaceTime with McCoy 155 00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,103 during his break between broadcasts, 156 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:49,365 but I don't know what to say. 157 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,323 - You know, maybe we should loosen you up 158 00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:53,195 with a little light roleplay. 159 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,328 You be you, and I'll be that incredibly handsome man 160 00:06:56,372 --> 00:06:59,462 who hasn't yet realized that he can do better. 161 00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:03,988 - You know, he's a straight ten but a gay eight. 162 00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:06,382 - Here we go, but I warn you, 163 00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,646 my McCoy impersonation is only so-so. 164 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:13,084 [whispers] Okay, all right. 165 00:07:13,128 --> 00:07:14,172 Brr. 166 00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:17,045 Okay. [chuckles] 167 00:07:19,221 --> 00:07:20,962 [normal voice] Hey, Will, it's McCoy. 168 00:07:22,398 --> 00:07:25,619 Listen, I've got my gay sex toy plugged in with all... 169 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:29,492 Seven attachments. 170 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:34,192 Any thoughts? 171 00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:40,242 Ooh, the silent treatment. 172 00:07:42,592 --> 00:07:45,160 Yum, me likey. [laughs] 173 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:50,644 - The doctor said it was a geriatric pregnancy. 174 00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:55,387 That's the term they use for people over 35. 175 00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,042 It's really judgmental. 176 00:07:58,086 --> 00:08:00,001 - When I had my first, I was 19. 177 00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:03,221 - That's a little young, don't you think? 178 00:08:03,265 --> 00:08:06,398 - Compared to your old ass? 179 00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:09,184 - [sniffles] You're right. I'm sorry. 180 00:08:09,227 --> 00:08:14,406 It's just that I was finally living my life for me, 181 00:08:14,450 --> 00:08:16,408 and now a baby? 182 00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,541 The timing is so bad. 183 00:08:18,585 --> 00:08:22,023 I was gonna do so many great things with my life. 184 00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,111 - Like what? 185 00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:25,679 - I was gonna watch so many shows. 186 00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:29,334 [sobbing] 187 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:36,733 - I think you're gonna put your hand 188 00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:38,300 right about here. 189 00:08:38,343 --> 00:08:41,259 [gasps] So cold, 190 00:08:41,303 --> 00:08:43,697 and yet so hot. 191 00:08:45,481 --> 00:08:46,613 - [grunts] 192 00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:50,051 - Oh, you're an animal! 193 00:08:50,094 --> 00:08:51,748 - [grunts] So close! 194 00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,011 - Oh, me too. 195 00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:57,449 I bet you're wearing jeans. 196 00:08:57,493 --> 00:08:59,669 I bet they're tight. 197 00:08:59,713 --> 00:09:02,280 I bet they're women's jeans. 198 00:09:04,761 --> 00:09:06,502 - Damn it. 199 00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:08,548 - [gasps] Have I been bad? 200 00:09:08,591 --> 00:09:12,508 If I've been bad, then you better punish me. 201 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,292 [giggles] 202 00:09:14,336 --> 00:09:17,078 I know you want to, but you wouldn't dare. 203 00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:20,690 [gasps] You would? 204 00:09:20,734 --> 00:09:22,126 And you are! 205 00:09:22,170 --> 00:09:28,480 And I..can't...stop you! 206 00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,744 - [breathing heavily] I found it. 207 00:09:30,787 --> 00:09:33,094 - You certainly did. 208 00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:39,622 - Thank you. 209 00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:41,189 - Do you live with the father, 210 00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:42,756 or are you on your own? 211 00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,279 - Neither. 212 00:09:44,322 --> 00:09:45,759 I live with a different guy. 213 00:09:45,802 --> 00:09:50,285 - That's gonna be a fun conversation when you get home. 214 00:09:50,328 --> 00:09:51,808 - Oh, no, it's fine. He's gay. 215 00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:55,290 - You are like a seven-layer dip of mistakes. 216 00:09:57,466 --> 00:09:59,729 Listen, I have four kids. 217 00:09:59,773 --> 00:10:02,427 There's no perfect time to have a baby. 218 00:10:02,471 --> 00:10:05,169 You figure it out. 219 00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:06,301 - I'm so scared. 220 00:10:06,344 --> 00:10:09,086 - Get used to it. That never goes away. 221 00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:13,525 - Jack, why did I just have to wrestle 222 00:10:13,569 --> 00:10:17,660 my very own "kah-koo" clock away from that angry lady? 223 00:10:17,704 --> 00:10:21,359 - Honestly, I--I don't know how she got it. 224 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:23,666 - Well, obviously, you sold it to her. 225 00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:26,451 - What are you insinuating? 226 00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,410 - That you sold it to her. 227 00:10:28,453 --> 00:10:32,283 - Okay, your stories are getting crazier and crazier. 228 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,372 Look, as soon as I'm done with my day, 229 00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:37,071 I'll put the clock back, okay? 230 00:10:37,114 --> 00:10:38,638 - I do not trust you with that clock! 231 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,727 - I said I'll put it back. 232 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:54,741 - Jack, why are you clock-blocking? 233 00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:01,269 - Estefan, look, okay, I'm sorry, all right? 234 00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:02,705 The truth is, I hate this clock. 235 00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:05,099 - [scoffs] - Even more than I hate a woman 236 00:11:05,142 --> 00:11:08,755 in a dress and sneakers holding a Diet Coke. 237 00:11:08,798 --> 00:11:10,234 I--I--I tried to sell it 238 00:11:10,278 --> 00:11:12,280 because I don't wanna start a fight. 239 00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:13,673 - We are not fighting. 240 00:11:13,716 --> 00:11:15,762 We are just being honest with each other. 241 00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:16,893 You can sell it. 242 00:11:16,937 --> 00:11:18,808 - I can? - Sí, 243 00:11:18,852 --> 00:11:22,594 as long as I can sell something of yours that I hate. 244 00:11:22,638 --> 00:11:23,770 - Sure, whatever. 245 00:11:23,813 --> 00:11:25,597 I mean, anything to avoid a fight. 246 00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:26,816 Fine. 247 00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:32,169 - Your big-boy baby doll. 248 00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:36,130 - [screams] Cher? 249 00:11:38,480 --> 00:11:40,700 [deep voice] You put her down, you. 250 00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,746 She is a national treasure. 251 00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,748 No, whoa, whoa. 252 00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,141 Stop it! 253 00:11:47,184 --> 00:11:48,446 She's been through enough! 254 00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:50,622 She was born in the wagon of a traveling show! 255 00:11:50,666 --> 00:11:52,363 - Jack, you want your doll? 256 00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:55,149 Catch her on her farewell tour! 257 00:11:57,325 --> 00:12:01,633 [doll whooshing] 258 00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,461 [doll thuds] 259 00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:07,901 - [slow motion] No! 260 00:12:14,255 --> 00:12:17,693 [screaming] 261 00:12:24,352 --> 00:12:26,963 [humming] [swanky lounge music] 262 00:12:27,007 --> 00:12:30,184 [screaming] 263 00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:37,582 [breathing heavily] 264 00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,280 I got you, babe. 265 00:12:42,022 --> 00:12:42,239 . 266 00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:44,764 [plucky piano music] 267 00:12:44,807 --> 00:12:47,418 - Hi. Okay, I got 20 minutes until I go on the air. 268 00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:49,290 - Great. - Oh, by the way, 269 00:12:49,333 --> 00:12:52,293 "HELLO! Magazine" just voted me England's Best Teeth. 270 00:12:52,336 --> 00:12:56,253 - Ooh, who came in second, the queen's rabbit? 271 00:12:56,297 --> 00:12:59,691 - Aw, I miss your jokes that I don't quite get. 272 00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:03,173 So should we--uh, should we start? 273 00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,697 - Oh, yeah. 274 00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,834 - Will? 275 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,140 Have we started? 276 00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,838 - Oh, it started. 277 00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:17,318 - Okay, you're not doing anything. 278 00:13:17,361 --> 00:13:18,449 - No, no, I am. 279 00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:19,886 I'm giving you the silent treatment, 280 00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:22,366 and it is sexy. 281 00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:25,326 Trust me, it's good. 282 00:13:25,369 --> 00:13:26,414 Drove Karen wild. 283 00:13:26,457 --> 00:13:27,981 - You had phone sex with Karen? 284 00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,157 - It wasn't consensual. 285 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:31,462 Just give it a minute. 286 00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:34,509 - [yawns] 287 00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,510 - Are you falling asleep? 288 00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:36,772 - No, I'm so sorry. 289 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,078 It's just, it's really late here, 290 00:13:38,121 --> 00:13:40,384 and the news is soboring. 291 00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:44,258 - Look, I--I gotta do something real quick. 292 00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:48,349 Just...Google glistening Paul Newman. 293 00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:50,133 [phone rings] 294 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:53,006 - Bladder and Sons, this is Connie. 295 00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,746 - Karen, I'm bombing. 296 00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:56,096 - What do ya talk? 297 00:13:56,139 --> 00:13:58,185 You were so good with me this afternoon, 298 00:13:58,228 --> 00:14:00,883 I've been sitting on a bag of frozen peas all day. 299 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:03,059 - I didn't touch you! 300 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,019 Besides, I'm putting him to sleep. 301 00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,370 I'm pretty much the C-SPAN of phone sex. 302 00:14:09,413 --> 00:14:11,198 - Honey, you gotta go wild. 303 00:14:11,241 --> 00:14:12,895 Let's talk lubricants, 304 00:14:12,939 --> 00:14:15,115 and I'm not talking about bed stuff. 305 00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:17,465 I'm talking about under-the-sink stuff, 306 00:14:17,508 --> 00:14:20,772 you know, stuff that burns, stuff that's for metal. 307 00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:25,560 - Can we talk like human beings for a minute? 308 00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:27,867 I'm trying to be intimate with the man I love, 309 00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:29,956 and it's--it's just not sexy. 310 00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:33,220 - Will, honey, you're making this too complicated. 311 00:14:33,263 --> 00:14:35,265 Just tell him what you want. 312 00:14:35,309 --> 00:14:38,312 Isn't there something you've always wanted to do with a guy 313 00:14:38,355 --> 00:14:40,227 maybe something you've never done before, 314 00:14:40,270 --> 00:14:41,532 but don't give me any specifics. 315 00:14:41,576 --> 00:14:43,839 That stuff grosses me out. 316 00:14:49,105 --> 00:14:50,063 - Hi. 317 00:14:50,106 --> 00:14:51,542 - Hey. 318 00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,936 - McCoy, can I tell you what I want? 319 00:14:53,980 --> 00:14:55,416 - Of course. 320 00:14:55,459 --> 00:14:57,331 - It's not phone sex. 321 00:14:57,374 --> 00:15:00,029 Although, please, feel free to leave your pants off. 322 00:15:02,989 --> 00:15:05,817 I--I--I don't want to be on hold anymore. 323 00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,994 I wanna--I wanna talk about us, about our wedding, 324 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:10,910 whether we should register at Bergdorf's or Bloomingdale's. 325 00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:13,347 - Bergdorf's. - Of course Bergdorf's. 326 00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,958 See, this works for me. 327 00:15:16,002 --> 00:15:18,569 McCoy, I wanna talk about our future. 328 00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:20,571 - Okay. 329 00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:23,835 - I want us to have a baby. 330 00:15:27,013 --> 00:15:29,015 - [laughing] 331 00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,886 [glass shatters] Oh! 332 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,975 Okay, that was amazing! 333 00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,325 - Now who's watching the yard sale? 334 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:40,113 - Jack, do you know what I despise? 335 00:15:40,156 --> 00:15:42,593 - Besides the letter S? I can't imagine. 336 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,293 - Being lied to. 337 00:15:46,336 --> 00:15:47,642 If you hated my "kah-koo" clock so much, 338 00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:49,035 you should have just told me. 339 00:15:49,078 --> 00:15:50,340 - I didn't want us to have a fight. 340 00:15:50,384 --> 00:15:51,994 - Why? What is the big deal about fighting? 341 00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,343 - Because... 342 00:15:53,387 --> 00:15:55,519 we're married now. - So? 343 00:15:55,563 --> 00:15:59,001 - When married people fight, they get divorced. 344 00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,525 It happened to my mom. It happened to my dad... 345 00:16:04,050 --> 00:16:07,314 Literally every parent in my life. 346 00:16:07,357 --> 00:16:08,880 And I'm not gonna let that happen to us, 347 00:16:08,924 --> 00:16:10,317 so from now on, if we get mad at each other, 348 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,145 we're just gonna have to stuff it deep down 349 00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,320 and not acknowledge it. 350 00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,017 - That is crazy. 351 00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:18,499 We are two passionate men with minds of our own 352 00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:22,024 and the perfect amount of body hair... 353 00:16:22,068 --> 00:16:23,199 none. 354 00:16:24,374 --> 00:16:25,593 Of course we will fight. 355 00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:28,552 - We can't, okay? Not anymore. 356 00:16:28,596 --> 00:16:31,033 You have to promise me. The stakes are too high. 357 00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,295 - I do not care about 358 00:16:32,339 --> 00:16:34,341 the altitude of the stakes, okay, Jack? 359 00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:37,387 I only promise you that when you are wrong, 360 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,911 I will always fight with you forever. 361 00:16:42,218 --> 00:16:45,047 - You did just say "always" and "forever." 362 00:16:45,091 --> 00:16:48,050 - Even when we are very old and maybe you have a sickness 363 00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:51,053 and I still have my health, I will fight you. 364 00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,621 - In sickness and in health. 365 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:56,972 - I will not stop until the last breath 366 00:16:57,016 --> 00:17:00,410 leaves your hairless, incorrect body. 367 00:17:01,716 --> 00:17:03,674 - Till death do us part. 368 00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:07,243 Oh, Steffie, we're really not gonna turn out like my parents. 369 00:17:07,287 --> 00:17:09,071 We're gonna be together forever, aren't we? 370 00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,465 - Mi amor,of course. 371 00:17:11,508 --> 00:17:14,250 I love you. I could never leave you. 372 00:17:14,294 --> 00:17:17,340 - Then let's always fight. 373 00:17:18,733 --> 00:17:20,561 But not now. Let's be done with this one. 374 00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:23,042 - Maybe we go upstairs and hose each other down. 375 00:17:23,085 --> 00:17:25,218 - Great idea, but before that, 376 00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,263 I really need a shower. 377 00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:31,528 . 378 00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:34,444 [cheerful piano music] 379 00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:36,098 ♪ 380 00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:37,447 - There you are. 381 00:17:37,491 --> 00:17:38,796 I've been dying to talk to you. 382 00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,190 So McCoy and I were trying to have phone sex, 383 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,540 and then something a whole lot bigger came up 384 00:17:43,584 --> 00:17:45,107 that blew that right out of the water. 385 00:17:45,151 --> 00:17:46,195 I shouldn't say bigger. 386 00:17:46,239 --> 00:17:47,805 It's actually something really small, 387 00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:51,113 about the size of a-- oh, I don't know, a baby? 388 00:17:51,157 --> 00:17:52,810 - How did-- how did you know? 389 00:17:52,854 --> 00:17:54,595 - I just knew. 390 00:17:54,638 --> 00:17:57,859 - Wow, and-- and this is good news? 391 00:17:57,902 --> 00:17:59,121 - Obviously. 392 00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:01,123 I mean, I'm--I'm still not totally clear 393 00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,256 how the actual impregnation part of it works, 394 00:18:03,299 --> 00:18:05,562 but I watched a video, and I think I got the gist. 395 00:18:07,825 --> 00:18:10,741 - You had to watch a video? How gay are you? 396 00:18:12,265 --> 00:18:13,570 - What does that mean? 397 00:18:13,614 --> 00:18:15,137 Why are you not more excited about this? 398 00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:16,965 - It's just a lot to consider, 399 00:18:17,008 --> 00:18:19,054 I mean, like the age thing, which is kind of a bummer. 400 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,751 - Oh, thanks, that's a terrible thing to say. 401 00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:22,927 - Not to mention a lot of people think 402 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:25,626 that a baby should have a man in its life. 403 00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,976 - Well, now you're just being hurtful. 404 00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:30,631 You know, maybe we don't own tool belts, 405 00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:33,938 but McCoy and I add up to at least one man between us. 406 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,854 - Wait, you and McCoy are having a baby? 407 00:18:36,898 --> 00:18:38,987 - Yes, that's what I've been trying to tell you. 408 00:18:39,030 --> 00:18:41,120 - Oh. - What did you think I was-- 409 00:18:41,163 --> 00:18:42,121 No. 410 00:18:42,164 --> 00:18:43,948 - Yep. 411 00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:45,689 - You're telling me that you're-- 412 00:18:45,733 --> 00:18:47,996 - Yep. 413 00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,173 And, believe me, I already know all the problems. 414 00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:53,610 The doctor told me. The lady on the subway told me. 415 00:18:53,654 --> 00:18:55,612 My sisters both told me when I called them. 416 00:18:55,656 --> 00:18:59,921 I'm too old. I don't have any-- - Grace, this is the best news! 417 00:19:01,923 --> 00:19:03,229 - It is? 418 00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:05,753 - God, they're gonna be so cute. 419 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:07,842 And we'll race 'em around the living room, 420 00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:09,148 and of course they're gonna be best friends. 421 00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:10,845 - Okay, wait, wait. 422 00:19:10,888 --> 00:19:14,196 You don't think that I'm a little old and unwed 423 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:17,852 and, you know, me? 424 00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:20,071 - No, none of those things even occurred to me. 425 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,596 - Of course they didn't. 426 00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:25,207 - I'm just thinking what an amazing mom you're gonna be. 427 00:19:25,251 --> 00:19:26,861 - I think that too. 428 00:19:26,904 --> 00:19:29,211 - Besides, I'm--I'm older than you are. 429 00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:32,040 I mean, by the time this baby's my age, I'll be... 430 00:19:32,083 --> 00:19:34,129 well, I'll be dead, so new rule: 431 00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,262 no more math in this apartment. 432 00:19:36,305 --> 00:19:38,046 - Is this crazy? 433 00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,743 We've already been down that road, 434 00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,876 we talked, we processed, 435 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:44,270 and we closed the book on this. 436 00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:46,010 - Yes, and just like every other book 437 00:19:46,054 --> 00:19:47,969 that we have read over the past ten years, 438 00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:50,580 we closed the book before we were finished. 439 00:19:52,930 --> 00:19:54,932 We're talking about our babies. 440 00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:55,977 We're having babies! 441 00:19:56,020 --> 00:19:57,848 - We're having babies. 442 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:04,594 - Silence! 443 00:20:04,638 --> 00:20:08,207 - I need everyone's attention because I've got big boobs. 444 00:20:09,295 --> 00:20:12,080 I mean, big news. 445 00:20:12,123 --> 00:20:14,735 Then again, look at 'em. 446 00:20:14,778 --> 00:20:16,258 Wait, why are we here? 447 00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:17,868 - You're taking us all out to dinner 448 00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:19,696 so I can share my big news. 449 00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:20,828 - Oh, what is it? 450 00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:22,351 - Estefan and I survived 451 00:20:22,395 --> 00:20:24,048 our first fight as a married couple, 452 00:20:24,092 --> 00:20:26,094 and now I feel like I can survive anything. 453 00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:28,270 That's why we're talking about having a baby. 454 00:20:31,969 --> 00:20:33,144 What was that for? 455 00:20:33,188 --> 00:20:34,668 - You're not having a kid! 456 00:20:34,711 --> 00:20:37,105 We don't do kids! 457 00:20:37,148 --> 00:20:38,280 It would mess up everything! 458 00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,890 Look around you. 459 00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,675 Nobody in this room 460 00:20:41,718 --> 00:20:44,895 should ever even think about having a baby... 461 00:20:46,680 --> 00:20:51,293 Not you, not me, not him, and certainly not her. 462 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:55,776 - Oh, my God, you're right. 463 00:20:55,819 --> 00:20:58,909 It--it--it would be insane for any one of us 464 00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,737 to bring a child into the world. 465 00:21:00,781 --> 00:21:03,653 Right, you guys? Come on, let's go. 466 00:21:07,222 --> 00:21:08,354 - Should we tell 'em? 467 00:21:08,397 --> 00:21:11,052 - Eh, let's wait till one of us is showing. 468 00:21:11,095 --> 00:21:13,141 [upbeat piano flourish]